I bend over the sink and stare at the escape hole, the way
the water just goes down the drain. Sometimes I wish life was that easy, just
escape this reality forever, and slide down the big drain. I guess that’s what
death is, think about it, you get to go down a hole anyway. I guess I never
thought of it like that. Most people don’t think about death at all. My mind is
consumed with that thought. The many ways to die: there is either the peaceful
way or die a gruesome death. How would I want to die? a death no one has ever
experienced, a murder/suicide by my own hands. Just imagine.

 

I stare into the mirror and I look back at myself. I am
disgusted with what I see, I look hard, harder and feel my brain ache and beg
for my pity. I interlock glances with the man in the mirror in a game, I guess
to see who would be the first one to blink. I hear my reflection talk to me,
make a wish its says,what do I wish for? World peace like the Good Samaritan
would? Nah, screw world peace. Then what do I wish for? Happiness and
tranquility? To hell with those. I guess I want that but how do I guarantee
happiness forever? Floating in realms beyond mortal comprehension? The only way
is death. ?I wish for death, YES, YES, YES, I wish to die? I pause as I reflect
on my decision, I am sure now, I know that that is the only and one true thing
I want ? Let death become me, let me die a strange and unusual death?. That was
my wish.

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The man in the mirror (my reflection, a man, even though I
am a woman) stares back at me and smiles. This whole while I haven’t said a
word, we talk using our eyes. My reflection, which I’ll now call Benny, tells
me to follow him with my eyes. Benny closes his eyes and mine shut; yet they
are open. Eyes wide shut. I am drawn through this tunnel by a massive 3
dimensional twister. My whole being spinning through the ages as I go back to
my childhood and down the fallopian tube to my mother’s womb. An ocean of
amniotic fluid surrounds me and I swim. My hands now fins aid me swim a task I could
hardly do in all the 23 years I’ve spent on earth. Suddenly, with a burst of
energy I sprout through my mother’s uterus and I am out in a meadow with 23
doors. I open each and witness the various year of my life. My happy days, my
sad days. My triumphs and failures. My good and bad. My Jerusalem. My Sodom and
Gomorra.

 

At the 16th door I seem to be stuck. I stand there in a room
with a knife in my hand and I watch myself stab my father. I wish him dead. I
wash his blood spill and I laugh. I swim in his blood, rejoicing.I open my
eyes, and I find myself in the hall of the 22nd door. My troubles and mental
imbalance being. I feel the sense of emptiness I felt then. I hug and try to
comfort myself in that state, but my visions are but a mirage. I curse Benny
for teasing me. Where is Benny? I can’t see him; I see through his eyes. His
eyes are my eyes. I try to weep for my state but Benny’s eyes won’t let me. His
eyes smile at my misery. I hate Benny. I walk further down the hall of the 22nd
door and I see myself. I morph into another being. A transformation to the true
me. A time when I came to accordance with the real me and accepted my flaws as
mine. I was mad and happy.

 

All of a sudden I feel my body surfing with the speed of
light tru galaxies unknown to man and presented itself into this huge massive
black. I went past the 23rd door and didn’t go in. back through my mother’s
womb I sped past and once again into the reality of this day and light. I am
sweating, and my brain is fried. I feel the sweet juices of my brain coming out
of my pores as sweat. I taste its bitterness. I am void of every energy known
to man. I have exhausted my mortal body by this unplanned regression. I can
smell the rotting smell of my blood-covered degenerating self, now in the form
of a new born baby. I stare into the mirror and see Benny. He is no longer a
man, he is me, my true image/reflection. He is woman. Do you still wish for
death?? she asks with her eyes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, ye, s s s !! I said
with my voice, as it faded away and carried me to a realm I can’t describe in
words. I drew my final breath.

 

I got my wish, I died by my own dictation; MURDER, and I
planned for the death; SUCIDE. With a sudden bang, I wake up, sweating and
panting by my dream. What a horrific way to die.